Memories

I ran in the door, hoping for good news about my father.

He was missing for three total days. We all kept calling his cell phone, always going to voicemail. All of us hoping he would eventually answer the calls. He never did. 

The police found him in a Day's Inn hotel room in Auburn, AL. A hotel my father and I stayed at when we went down for football games. 

He had committed suicide somewhere between the days of August 22nd and August 25th. 

It was August 25th when I came busting through the door. The air was depressing, the mood was depressing, everything was depressing to me. I stood in the doorway and I knew something was wrong. 

Still being positive I asked. At that moment my mother whispered these words, "I am very sorry but the police found your father in a hotel room this morning, he is dead." 

My phone slipped out of my hand. My body felt heavy. My head began to pound. Wet streams ran down my face. I couldn't move.

The news sank harder and faster into my body, into my heart. My world was spinning and I did not know what to do. 

I ran down the hallway and fell on the ground. At this point I did not care who was near me. My mother ran after me and my aunts called my name. I could barely understand what was happening. 

I began to scream, a terrifying sound. 

I began to hyperventilate.

I could not breath.

My best friend called me to hear what happened and my mom answered and gave her the terrifying news. She was at my side in a heartbeat comforting me.

I called for my brother, the only person who really understands me, besides God of course. He ran downstairs. I hugged him for what seemed like a lifetime, I did not want to let go. 

I needed away from the chaos for a few minutes. I walked outside to breath better and then went to my room, sat down and weeped. I did not know what else to do. 

All I could think of was my father and why he was taken from me. 

Why would God take someone so important from me?

Why would my father leave me?

How could he take his life? 

Did he even think about me? 

I asked these questions over and over, not knowing what else to think.

I did not want to believe it, I could not believe my father was really gone.